Frank McNally’s Catechism

Brilliant!

The Irish Times – Friday, January 21, 2011

An Irishman’s Diary

FRANK MCNALLY

MARY O’ROURKE has called on Fianna Fáil to draw up a “catechism” for election candidates (Home News, January 20th). She envisages a handy question-and-answer booklet that would help canvassers deal with the issues of party doctrine and Government policy most likely to arise on the doorsteps. I’ve taken the liberty of writing a rough draft.

Q. Who made the world? A. God made the world.

Q. Who made the global financial melt-down? A. God made that too. And Lehman Brothers.

Q. Did God make us? A. Yes He did, in the Garden of Eden.

Q. But where are we now? A. We are where we are.

Q. What happened to the Garden of Eden? A. It was rezoned for residential use and bought for €500 million by one of the Anglo Ten. Then the crash happened. Nama owns it now.

Q. Does God want to punish us? A. No, God still loves us. It’s the electorate wants to punish us.

Q. How? A. By making us burn in hell-fire for all eternity, if possible.

Q. Why do we never see God? A. Because He is a spirit.

Q. Why do we never see Brian Cowen, in between leadership crises? A. Because he’s so busy running the country.

Q. Are there two persons in the one Taoiseach? A. It increasingly looks that way.

Q. Is that what we call a “mystery”? A. Yes, it is.

Q. Why did we bail out Anglo? A. That’s a mystery too.

Q. Are we all sinners? A. Yes we are all sinners. Even holier-than-thou members of the Opposition are sinners.

Q. Are some sins bigger than others? A. Yes, the really big ones – such as robbing the Northern Bank, or having friends in 1980s Moscow, or taking a shilling off the pension in 1924 – are called “mortal” sins. Smaller sins are known as “venial”. In some cases, these would not have been sins at all if it hadn’t been for the collapse of Lehman Brothers.

Q. Can we be forgiven our sins? A. Yes, if we make a good confession and if we argue convincingly that other people would have done exactly the same thing in our position.

Q. What is a bad confession? A. One that’s forced out of you at the tribunals, or on live television.

Q. Apart from confession, how can we achieve salvation? A. Through prayer and good works.

Q. What are examples of good works? A. Attending funerals, fixing pot-holes, advising on planning applications, getting Mary a job in the new factory, etc.

Q. If you haven’t performed enough good works, can you still be saved on the last day? A. Maybe if you pray a lot.

Q. Do we have guardian angels to watch over us and help us do the right thing? A. Yes, but they never said anything about Lehman Brothers.

Q. If we pass though the valley of the shadow of death, fearing no evil, is that still a legitimate mileage claim? A. Yes, if it was part of the journey between the Dáil and your normal place of residence.

Q. What are the most important commandments for election candidates? A. 1. There is but one vote and thou or thy electoral agent shall not be caught casting a second one. 2. Thou shall not covet thy running mate’s half of the constituency. 3. Thou shalt not kill thy running mate, unless thou findeth him canvassing where he’s not allowed.

Q. When do you require the sacrament of extreme unction? A. When it’s the 14th count and you’re one of two remaining contenders for the last seat, and the other is from Labour or Sinn Féin, and you’re now depending on a 60 per cent transfer from the last eliminated candidate, who was running for the “People Before Profit” alliance.

Q. Apart from God, did anybody else make me? A. Yes, the party helped make you – and don’t forget it. Despite everything, the party can unmake you too.

Q. What is purgatory? A. Purgatory is the thought of Enda Kenny being taoiseach for five years.

Q. And hell? A. Hell is the prospect of Enda being succeeded by Leo Varadkar and Fine Gael running Ireland for a generation.

Q. Does Limbo still exist? A. Yes, it’s where Micheál Martin is.

Q. When will the last day and judgment be? A. March 11th.

Q: Is that the only poll that matters? A. Yes it is.

Q. Whatever happens then, will Fianna Fáil rise from the dead and ascend into heaven, eventually? A. Let’s hope so.

Q. Or will we henceforth be seated on the right-hand side of the Ceann Comhairle (as he looks at it), for ever and ever, amen? A. Try not to think about it. 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One Response to Frank McNally’s Catechism

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jenny Muir, Claire Hanna. Claire Hanna said: In absolute stiches at this…a catechism for Fianna Fail. Must read! https://dewildox.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/frank-mcnallys-catechism/ […]

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